I’m a sucker for love.

You needn’t ask. Can’t you see it right through my eyes?

Yes, I’m a sucker. I’m a sucker for love: I’m a sucker for you.

I’m still so deeply in love with you. It’s been 8 months.

I’m still so deeply in love with you. There is not a single day I don’t think about you.

I’m still so deeply in love with you. Team huddles at work, meetings with partners, lunch break, when I’m writing a report, when I close my eyes while I have my hair washed, when I paint my nails, in traffic, before I fall asleep, right at the moment when I wake up, when I’m at the movies, when I hangout with my friends, when I was on vacation, when I pray, when every time I picture you in my mind, I see…, I see the face of the man I fell in love with,

I see the face of the man I happily decided to spend the rest of my life with,

I see the face of the man whose I only see,

I see the face of the man I truly cared for,

I see the face of the man who cried telling me about his mother for the first time,

I see the face of the man who was in pain for he had a knee surgery,

I see the face of the man I imagined what our babies would look like,

I see the face of the man for whom I’d give and had given everything for,

I see the face of the man I woke up to every morning and told myself how lucky I was,

Rather than that face…

That face of the man who hurt me and lied,

That face of the man who stopped loving me and didn’t remember what our love was like,

That face of the man who gave up and let me go,

That face of the man who laid his furious hands on me,

That face of the man who didn’t keep his end of the bargain, even in the end.

And that’s why I keep asking every night to my sleep “What did I do so wrong?”

Can you tell me?

15/Nov/2015

Advertisements

Hello

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

13th June 2015 Some random thoughts

I’m feeling better than two months ago. Yes I still think about him and shed a tear or two sometimes. I’m sure it’s only natural. After all, he was my first love. We lost contact for two months. I emailed him several times. He didn’t reply. I begged. I apologized. I tested the water. I even threw an angry letter in his face (not literally), but no single word from him. I guess that was it. Now I know I’ve tried every humanly possible ways I could. I couldn’t be more pathetic and disgraced. I was a caring, loving, and devoted wife. I’ve done more than enough.

I saw my friend two weeks ago. Her advocate father’s in family law. I need to get this done quickly. The faster this is done, the faster I can move on.

I’ve been going out with my girls regularly. I’m working out. I keep myself busy at work. I’m taking more projects and more responsibility at work. I’ve started going out with colleagues. I’ve started enjoying work. The numb is fading away, slowly, but it’s fading away. The pain is too.

I miss the dog. She has such an adorable face. She turned one year old a few days ago. Happy 1st Birthday, baby! She’s all grown-up now. The other day, I followed a lot of french bulldogs pages on Instagram. That reminded me of her. I’m getting a baby girl frenchie myself next year. Oh guess what? I’m moving out of my parents’ next January.

I visualize myself at night. I visualize myself in a future. In a future where I’m most happy. In a future where I fall in love again. In a love I will fall head over heels with someone else. Someone else that I haven’t met yet. That someone loving me, caring me, and not giving me up. I deserve better. That’s all I ever wanted. A loving and caring life partner who doesn’t just give up and can’t live without me in their life. I can see myself there. It’s coming, but I need to get this mess cleaned up first.

If you ask me two months ago, if I still want him no matter what, I’d answer 200%. If you ask me now, well… I don’t know… I still love him and want him, yes, but that loving feeling is based upon the once-discovered bliss. It doesn’t reflect with the reasons why I left Colombia. It doesn’t count the times he hurt me physically and emotionally. It doesn’t involve the reasons why he lied, hid things from me, couldn’t explain, and dismissed the primary relationship and favored the rest. it doesn’t realize with what happened. It doesn’t include why he just quit me and gave up on the marriage, without a word, without a try.

I guess it will all be better with time. I’m saving up. I have plans. First, to move out. Second, to travel. Third, get my Masters degree. After all, I’m not the only one with this worldly problem. My starter marriage lasted 6 months. The good news is I’m a different woman now. I’ve grown more. Know about things more. I’ve been to Colombia. I’ve fallen in love. I’ve had a heartbreak. I’ve learned a lot. He and I didn’t have a child and shared property. So that’s good.

It’s raining here a lot. Myanmar is going to be Champion on 28th SEA games. Dollar rates and gold are skyrocketing. All is good. Life goes on.

I’m 24 and going through a divorce.

Long story short… I fell in love for the first time at 22. I eloped with him at 23. I’m going through the divorce at 24.

I’m fine. No, I’m not. I hate to say I’m fine when I’m not. It sucks. It sucks the life out of me.

Wonder what happened? I guess we didn’t want the same things. I guess I went in head first too soon too quickly. I guess I didn’t know how to take time.

The Aftermath of the D-day.

#7th Apr 2015

It’s been 9 days I haven’t heard back from him. I didn’t contact either. I had a breakdown yesterday. A typical Monday at work had finished. I had been numb all day, all week. At 6 o’clock, I grabbed my bag and started walking back home. I started thinking about him, us, the good times, and the near ending and right there in the middle of the street, I had a breakdown. I cried and cried, turning my face down when someone walked towards me. But I kept walking.

 

In the split milli-second, I thought I would take out my phone and started texting him, begging him to come back*. But in the split milli-second of the milli-second, I paused and dialed my BFF#1. She picked up but was too busy to talk. I dialed my BFF#2. She picked up and was available. I cried and vented. She listened for several minutes and she said “I only care about your peace and happiness. Do you really think getting him back in your life will make you happy and you can put up with that deal-breaker you want which he cannot give to you? I answered “No.” “Then don’t text him,” she said. I am not going to text him and crawl back to him. I know where we are and what is out of the question. I know why I was unhappy. I know what problems we have had. I know why I said the D-word 10 nights ago to him where he agreed with an “OK.”

 

It’s almost home. I have to pull up a face. I swipe away my tears. Pull my hair down to cover my crying face. Try to smile. I can’t let my family see my face like this. After all, it was just a breakdown. I’ve read it happens_ and it will several times. I feel better now after talking to my BFF#2. She invited me to a dinner- to take my mind off of things. But I had no motivation to go out. I rang the door bell. Mother opened it. I stood at the doorstep for a couple of seconds while pretending to be unloading my training shoes and waiting for her to get back inside. Then I quickly walked to my room, showered and quietly crawled onto my bed and started watching I Love Lucy.

 

I passed another day. I didn’t text him…