Long story short… I fell in love for the first time at 22. I eloped with him at 23. I’m going through the divorce at 24.
I’m fine. No, I’m not. I hate to say I’m fine when I’m not. It sucks. It sucks the life out of me.
Wonder what happened? I guess we didn’t want the same things. I guess I went in head first too soon too quickly. I guess I didn’t know how to take time.
#7th Apr 2015
It’s been 9 days I haven’t heard back from him. I didn’t contact either. I had a breakdown yesterday. A typical Monday at work had finished. I had been numb all day, all week. At 6 o’clock, I grabbed my bag and started walking back home. I started thinking about him, us, the good times, and the near ending and right there in the middle of the street, I had a breakdown. I cried and cried, turning my face down when someone walked towards me. But I kept walking.
In the split milli-second, I thought I would take out my phone and started texting him, begging him to come back*. But in the split milli-second of the milli-second, I paused and dialed my BFF#1. She picked up but was too busy to talk. I dialed my BFF#2. She picked up and was available. I cried and vented. She listened for several minutes and she said “I only care about your peace and happiness. Do you really think getting him back in your life will make you happy and you can put up with that deal-breaker you want which he cannot give to you? I answered “No.” “Then don’t text him,” she said. I am not going to text him and crawl back to him. I know where we are and what is out of the question. I know why I was unhappy. I know what problems we have had. I know why I said the D-word 10 nights ago to him where he agreed with an “OK.”
It’s almost home. I have to pull up a face. I swipe away my tears. Pull my hair down to cover my crying face. Try to smile. I can’t let my family see my face like this. After all, it was just a breakdown. I’ve read it happens_ and it will several times. I feel better now after talking to my BFF#2. She invited me to a dinner- to take my mind off of things. But I had no motivation to go out. I rang the door bell. Mother opened it. I stood at the doorstep for a couple of seconds while pretending to be unloading my training shoes and waiting for her to get back inside. Then I quickly walked to my room, showered and quietly crawled onto my bed and started watching I Love Lucy.
I passed another day. I didn’t text him…